While looking up articles about marriage (since that's our focus this month) I came across a site where a lady was blogging her view on a successful marriage and her personal advice. I don't want to offend anybody's sensibilities so I will condense some good points I thought she made.

1. Kissing Advisory
When is the last time you kissed your spouse? I mean really had a kiss fest? In another of my very informal surveys, I found that most couples (married more than 4-5 years) rarely do more than smooch! You know, that hello-honey, see-you-later-dear, good-night smooch. Come on! Think back to those first months or years of marriage. It was like a personal electrical storm.

2. Date Night
A lot of couples have instituted, are thinking about starting, or at least have heard of the concept of “date night”. Many self-help marriage gurus counsel for it, as I do. If you‘ve missed the advice, it is to set aside one night per week (or bi-weekly, or monthly!) to go on a date with your spouse. The key here is that the day is sacrosanct; there is no messing with it, i.e. no forgetting, or making other plans, or excuses. Come whatever the two of you will go on that date! (This is in a perfect world because there are kid’s band concerts, visiting relatives, etc… that do trump date night.)

First of all: Beware! The humdrum of the marriage can follow you on your date if you’re not careful. Do you talk about your kids, or the broken toilet, or next week’s schedule? (NO) Do you dress up? (YES) Do you get excited for it, because it is special? (This is the aim.) Will it become routine, just like so much else? (AVOID)

If you want the date night idea to work, then some work must be put into the date. Speak with your husband about how to set it up. Come up with a plan together. To fulfill differing interests, take turns planning the date. (No time? Come on! Think about it on your way to work, or taking a shower, or folding the clothes, or falling asleep.) A great starting point is a walk down memory lane. What did you do when you first met?

No matter what you choose, the most important component to the evening is attitude – for BOTH of you. Discuss how this date, in the craziness of your lives, can fuel your marriage and how the more both of you fill it up, the further you will be able to drive.

The whole point here is that you look forward to and enjoy date night. You know, really have fun together like you did in the beginning. It sounds so simple, but somehow a lot of us have forgotten how to do this. NOW is the time to change that. Take classes together, visit a museum, play tennis, walk and talk, something you both will enjoy.

3. Hold Hands
The most common public touch is hand holding. It’s a universal symbol of caring, tenderness and security. Studies have actually been done showing that holding hands can reduce stress, for both men and women. This probably is linked to the fact that holding our parents’ hand made us feel safe.

What you come up with for the public arena will be a great baseline for how you touch at home. Gentle arm touching as you pass in the living room, a surprise kiss in the kitchen, or footsy at the family table. It is in and of itself a way to feel connected again.

4. Reminisce
Spend the evening rereading those those old love letters. Revisit those places you used to go or those first in your relationship ....first date, first kiss, where you became engaged etc.

5. Talk
One waitress recalls, being able to pick out the couples who had been married for a long time….they weren’t having as much fun as the couples who were just dating. I remember that the older (meaning in their 40’s!) couples didn’t talk or laugh so much. I remember that during the lunch rush, these couples would read separate sections of the newspaper and not speak at all! And when they did talk, they didn’t lean into one another, hold hands, or stare into each other’s eyes. I remember thinking that this would NEVER be me. I would never allow my marriage to become silent or dull.Well, I do understand some of this now, and I can appreciate it. Reading the paper over lunch isn’t such a bad thing. HOWEVER, almost always, my husband or I will find some nugget to share with the other. For instance: “Oh, Dear, look at what our president said now,” I might say to him and continue on to read the quote. We will then have a short conversation about our frustrations with our government before we go back to our respective reading material.

I also understand that, as the years pass, speaking isn’t so necessary. We know our spouse so well; we don’t need to have the conversation. In fact, why would we need to rehash our conversation about the President? We both know where the other stands on this. Right?

Perhaps not. Perhaps this is a relationship black hole. Once you skirt the periphery of this kind of assumption, you are in trouble. The hole sucks you in faster and further until one day you turn around and realize that you and your husband just don’t talk anymore. Not only this, you don’t even know what they think anymore.

It’s a TRAP. And a tricky trap at that. We can be talking to each other all along, and still find ourselves losing the essence of one another. The tricky part is that we get caught up talking only about the minutia of life: schedules, remodeling, fixing the car, daycare, bills, TAXES, cleaning, new purchases, etc…. Of course, in order to keep our lives in order, we must talk about all of these things. However, it is my contention that quite often it is in place of real communication.

I bring all of this up as part of my series to recapture “that lovin’ feelin’”. As I have on my other “lovin’” topics, it is helpful to think back to our dating days. What did you talk about then? You didn’t have the house or the kids or the cars or TAXES back then. Most likely you talked a lot more about your dreams, your plans, what you liked/disliked, how you felt.
The hope here is that these talks will spark other talks so that when you go out on that dinner date, the waitress might just see two people completely engaged with each other. After all, it is a lot easier to gaze into each other’s eyes, and hold hands over the table, while talking about your dreams than it is while talking about the bus schedule….

6. Weekend Getaways
Stress in marriage and everyday life can add up quickly. It will benefit your marriage if you plan occasional weekends or even a day away ..... just you and your spouse. You will soon find this such a blessing that you may decide to start a small fund just for these oasis of R&R. (Phillip & I specifically recommend the Marriage Matters Retreat) Find something that fits your finances and pleasures.

This concludes another view from our marriage!